Monday, January 15, 2007

Paradise by the Speed of Light?

Did I just disprove Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity?

My phone rang. A coworker kindly offered me tickets to a Meat Loaf concert. My vehement refusal commenced at some point during the changing of the t sound into the L. Approximating the time elapsed from when her mouth began forming Meat to the time at which I turned down the tickets in an expletive-laden panic the instant the subject of the offer became recognizable as really, really fast, my nerve impulse made a mad dash from brain to larynx at a rate surely rivaling the speed of light.

Certainly, I don’t purport to possess even a fraction of Albert Einstein’s intelligence. However, Einstein died 22 years before Bat Out of Hell made Meat Loaf a radio favorite—thus, he knew nothing of Meat Loaf's music or the human brain’s ability to achieve unthinkable speed in sheltering itself from sickening tripe-rock.

The Jet Propulsion Laboratory cannot confirm my theory...but at least they were listening to Zeppelin when I called.

(Photo of Einstein copyright The Nobel Foundation, 1921.)


Pat said...

I'll never forgive the Devil for letting him out of hell. I'm sure his Psuedo-Opera-Grease-esque-Nightmare-Music was driving him insane, but, dude, that's the way it goes. You're in HELL.

Randy said...

What ticks me off even more than the insufferable music is Meat Loaf singing an account of his make-out session over the Yankees broadcast. I mean, it was the heat of a three-way pennant race between New York, Baltimore, and Boston, for chrissake. I wanna hear who's gonna win the AL East, not whether some pimply high school punk is getting his fingers wet.

Pat said...

Remember "Objects In The Rearview Mirror (Appear Closer Than They Are)"? Are you kidding me? He is getting songs from automobile disclaimers? I can't wait for "Pull seatbelt over shoulder and fasten to clasp".

Randy said...

The woman who sang the "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" duet with Meat Loaf was Ellen Foley -- who also was Markie Post's predecessor on Night Court.

There is no punchline -- I'm just suppressing thoughts of that album with lecherous images of Markie Post.