Thursday, March 22, 2007

Magic Box

So, I don't know if any of you guys watch LOST, but last night, they gave some info on one of the mysteries involving things from people's past appearing on the island. One described it as a "magic box" where things you want to appear, do.

After several months on a deserted island, I think the first thing I would ask the box for would be a beer. Then perhaps I would move on to a steak.

Friday, March 16, 2007

One From the Archives

Before Mount Drinkmore entered cyberspace, we spun our own lengthy e-mail threads amongst ourselves. Owning a seven-year backlog of mindless idiocy, we've decided to occasionally dust off older samples of our craft.

This exchange from the summer of 2005 grew out of a CNN story on a comment made by actor Ben Jones ("Cooter" from The Dukes of Hazzard television series) upon the release of the film, in which Jones urged fans to avoid the new film because its sexual content did not make for the "family" entertainment provided by the television show.

DAVE: [Comment by Ben Jones]: "...but to take a classic family show and do that is like taking I Love Lucy and making her a crackhead or something."

Now THAT'S what I want to see.

Ricky: "Lucyyyyy! What are you lookeen for?"

"Lucy (on all fours): I think I dropped my rock! Waaaaa!"

RANDY: "...starring Lucille Speedball."

PAT: [Comment by Ben Jones]: "...make a mockery of the family-friendly show."

Uh, the TV show was based on guys who bootleg whiskey. Is that wholesome?

RANDY: Plus....the boys didn't have any discernible employment.......they continuously broke the law and drove recklessly......they probably fought constantly over who got the car on Saturday nights.........and you just know they cussed up a storm.

RICH: I still want to see the gang from What's Happening!! running guns in Mali.

RANDY: Dwayne: "Hey hey hey!”

Re-Gun: What's happening?!"

Rog: "It's a revolution, man!" We're gonna seize control of the capital and set up a de facto regime."

Dee: "I'm tellin' Mama!" (puts out her hand)

Rog: "Alright, here's 25 Communaut Financiaire Africaine francs."

Dee: "I want American currency............MAMA!"

Mrs. King: "Roger, are you planning a bloody coup? Give me your belt."

(Roger dejectedly hands her his belt and gets a whipping)

DAVE: Dwayne: "Where's Rerun?"

Rog: "He's supposed to be bringing over a crate of AKs. I hope he hasn't gotten into any trouble."

Dwayne: "Nah. Rerun? He can handle himself."

(cut to Rerun floating face down in a swamp)

RANDY: Must've been a fresh kill, 'cause Rerun ain't floating for long...

RICH: Then the Doobie Brothers show up to fight the warlords with music.

RANDY: I'd like to see the Doobie Brothers stranded in an actual Chinese grove and see how long they can survive with just their music to live on.

PAT: The intro can have Rerun chasing after the convoy, like how he chased after the pickup truck in the real show. Except this time, he's being fired upon.

RANDY: If they actually succeed in overthrowing the Malian government, then the What's Happening!! theme would become the new national anthem.

That'd be awesome whenever Mali won an Olympic event.

RICH: Rerun is captured by cannibals.

RANDY: "He taste like Fred Berry."

"No, he taste like blueberry."

RICH: Somehow, we have to work in a scene involving Dwayne, a car battery, and a kiddie pool.

RANDY: Sounds like a plotline for a cumbersome and ill-planned assassination attempt to me...

DAVE: Gab [Dave's wife] has never seen Star Wars, so we started watching Episode IV last night. At the scene in which the Jawas capture R2D2, she says, "Are those little guys Ewoks?"

Me (in my Comic Book Guy voice): "Of course they are...NOT!"

RANDY: So Gab had the one chance of anyone in the world to actually watch the entire double-trilogy in sequential order and yet she still started on Episode IV? Does she have a thing for Peter Cushing?

DAVE: I wanted to start her off right. Not with that crapfest cartoon, Episode I.

RANDY: By the way, how did Gab manage to avoid seeing all of the films? Did she spend the summers of 1977, 1980, 1983, 1999, 2002, and this summer on Tristan da Cunha, the most remote island on Earth? 'Cause I hear they're building a drive-in there, so if George Lucas ever makes the final trilogy, she'll have to go to the moon to avoid it.

RICH: Was Peter Cushing ever not old?

DAVE: Cushing at 4 years of age:

RANDY: His body still hadn't developed -- he was just a head.

PAT: I heard he hatched out of an egg.

RANDY: That's true, although it was actually a feta cheese omelette with a side of chips. He spent his first year at the Luton Luncheonette until someone claimed him.

RANDY: When Peter Cushing ordered that the Princess be "terminated," shouldn't he have done it himself with a stake through her heart? I mean, that's all he ever did in those 400 other films he made...

RICH: From out of nowhere, Frankenstein staggers up and tries to strangle him.

RANDY: I wish Peter Cushing had married Whoopie Goldberg. Then she'd be Whoopie Cushing.

DAVE: "From out of nowhere, Frankenstein staggers up and tries to strangle him."

I always thought that would've worked perfectly in The Remains of the Day.

RANDY: Then it could have won an Oscar for Best Fucked-up Visual Nonsequitur.

RICH: All the President's Men:

Ben Bradlee: "Who is your source? Where the hell is the story?"

Bernstein: "We ha...

(Frankenstein and Dracula come crashing through the wall, fighting with each other)

RANDY: Why even have Woodward and Bernstein at all? Just have Frankenstein and Dracula working as reporters for the Post, and they break the Watergate story.

The Invisible Man would be perfect as Deep Throat...

Thursday, March 8, 2007

State of Franklin, Anyone?

"Main article: List of U.S. state secession proposals

It is constitutionally possible for new states to be formed by reorganizing current states with the permission of their legislatures.

The State of
Maine was part of Massachusetts

The state of
West Virginia was formed during the Civil War by counties in northwestern Virginia that had remained loyal to the United States.

One proposal has been for
New York City to secede from New York State (See New York City secession), which has been reciprocated by a call for Upstate New York to secede (See Upstate New York's Statehood Movement).

A similar circumstance has been proposed with the
secession of Chicago from Illinois since over a half of the population of Illinois resides in the metropolitan area. A variation of this was called Chiwaukee, which would be the strip of land from Milwaukee down to Gary, Indiana.
Historically, it was possible that the counties of southern
Oregon and northern California might have seceded from their respective states to form a new "State of Jefferson". Jefferson would have been the 49th state, making Alaska and Hawaii the 50th and 51st when they became states in 1959.

Also there have been brief calls for a 51st state named the
State of Lincoln in 1996, 1999, and 2005. The state would be made of Eastern Washington and the Idaho Panhandle.
During the late
1700s, portions of North Carolina and Tennessee joined to form an alleged "State of Franklin" and while "lawmakers" were elected to its alleged "Legislature," Congress never admitted the "State of Franklin" into the Union.

Similar junctions have attempted to take place in the
Upper Peninsula of Michigan, which some wish to secede (sometimes along with adjoining counties of northern Wisconsin) in order to make a state called "Superior"."

(Courtesy of Wikipedia.)

Monday, March 5, 2007

Idea for an Invention

TV remotes are boring. They just sit there on the coffee table or between the seat cushions doing nothing to spruce up the room. They have these little annoying buttons too. And they're always getting lost.

Instead of a remote control, wouldn't you rather control your TV using a big, wooden captain's wheel from an old wooden ship? Just set it up in your living room with an infrared sensor tuned to the TV, and when you want to change the channel, you take the wheel. Spin it to the left and the channels go down; to the right, they go up. The faster you spin it, the faster the channels change... like the iPod click wheel.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Celebrating 100 Years of Elevated Piss and Vomit

"PHILADELPHIA, PA (February 26, 2007) – SEPTA will commemorate 100 years of subway-elevated train service in Philadelphia with a special day of celebrations beginning with free rides for passengers on the Market-Frankford Line.

As a token of appreciation for its many loyal customers, SEPTA will provide free Market-Frankford Line train service between noon and 5 p.m. on Sunday, March 4.

The day will mark a century of service since the line originally opened on March 4, 1907 and operated on elevated tracks through West Philadelphia as the Market Street Subway-Elevated before continuing through Center City in an underground tunnel and ending at ferry terminals along Delaware Avenue.

The riding public is invited to attend the festivities where they can commemorate the event by signing one of 12 specially made oversized birthday cards or listen to music played by legendary DJ Jerry Blavat."

This Centennial anniversary begs the question, when did The El first smell like urine? Did it have a grace period before people began to use it as a moving public toilet? Kind of like a "30 Feet High Club" but for incontinence. Hopefully this will be covered in the retrospective. I also hope an explantion of the painting/mural (right photo) is made as I have been to that area many times and there seems to be 100% less trash and condemned buildings in this rendering.

For more on my tirades about the malodorous conditions of Philadelphia Public Transportation, refer to my Award Winning article, "This City Stinks: An Olfactory History of Philadelphia".

(Top Photo copyright Steve Zable, 1980. Bottom Photo Copyright SEPTA. Text excerpted from SEPTA Press release)

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Another Dream? You Know It!

I am in some sort of rogue government medical facility, possibly in some other country. I have been captured for trespassing. My foot is badly wounded, and I am chained to the wall. Across the room, a doctor is sharpening a very long, thin blade. His henchman is smoothing out one of the edges. The doctor begins walking toward me with the sword and breaks off a piece of it from the top. He gets closer and is swinging it at me. I start telling him that I will tell him anything he wants to know, just not to cut me. He stops as he gets right near my face and suddenly drops a large spider out of his hand, onto my wounded foot. He says, "The venom from this spider will heal the wound." I physically feel the "bite" and wake up immediately.