Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I found myself trying to find at least one 23 in my own life and came up empty. Not a birthdate, anniversary, or even dentist appointment came up 23. Does this mean I am immortal? I'm going to bet YES.
Friday, February 23, 2007
"Beavers return to New York City after 200 years
NEW YORK (AP) -- Beavers grace New York City's official seal. But the industrious rodents have not been seen in the flesh here for as many as 200 years -- until this week.
Biologists videotaped a beaver swimming up the Bronx River on Wednesday. Its twig-and-mud lodge had been spotted earlier on the river bank, but the tape confirmed the presence of the animal itself.
"It had to happen because beaver populations are expanding, and their habitats are shrinking," said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. "We're probably going to see more of them in the future." "
(Excerpt from http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/23/beaver.bronx.ap/index.html)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I sat in my boxers in a big, red, plastic tub full of water and slid around campus in it. Just slid all over the place. Everyone thought I was so cool because nobody else was doing it.
Then I went into a park and started a conversation with another student. He asked "Are those scorpions?" Turns out we were both covered in tiny brown scorpions. I screamed and screamed and woke up drenched in sweat.
So just like that, I go from the coolest guy on campus to being covered in stinging scorpions.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters)—An asteroid may come uncomfortably close to Earth in 2036 and the United Nations should assume responsibility for a space mission to deflect it, a group of astronauts, engineers and scientists said on Saturday.
Astronomers are monitoring an asteroid named Apophis, which has a 1 in 45,000 chance of striking Earth on April 13, 2036."
I, for one, am gonna start drinking more.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Yet ever since Queen Elizabeth tapped John's shoulders with a sword, obsequious talking heads in this country kow-tow to English protocol as if the American Revolution never took place. There's nothing knightly about an out-of-control spend-a-holic who admitted to dropping almost £300,000 on flowers.
And look at that photo. Is that the stuff of knighthood? Had Sir Francis Drake sailed into battle dressed as Donald Duck, the Oxford English Dictionary would be written in Spanish.
Sir Paul McCartney? Hey, just for "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey," I'll call Paul His Royal Highness and let him use my back as a step-stool for climbing into his Rolls. But as for Elton John...well, DJs and broadcasters, this is the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, not the Land of the Spree and the Home of the Knave—this madman across the water doesn't rate a Sir on these shores.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth in her home in the Croatian city of Zadar when lightning struck the building. She said: 'I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building. I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body. It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don't remember much at all.'
Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: 'The accident is bizarre but not impossible.'
She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside," a medic told local newspaper, 24 Sata. "
(Excerpt from "Lightning Exits Woman's Bottom", http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20548077-13762,00.html)
Monday, February 12, 2007
Well, so long as Katie Couric wasn't asking the questions...
Mount Drinkmore salutes the Great Emancipator. As a tribute to our carved-in-granite counterpart, we'll be playing quarters -- using pennies, of course -- for shots of Kentucky bourbon, after which we'll discuss in-depth the Second Battle of Bull Run, using a Civil War chess set to investigate why Union General Pope failed to castle his troops when Stonewall Jackson made a decisive flanking maneuver.
(Photo courtesy Abraham Lincoln Art Gallery.)
Sunday, February 11, 2007
"Next one is on me," she says.
I'm wondering if she's just saying that and if she'll forget or claim ignorance because the bar is packed and LOUD, and in that kind of atmosphere, you can't hold anyone to anything.
"How you guys doing?" she asks.
"I'll take THAT BEER now," I say—implying that she knows damned well what beer I'm talking about. The free one I've got coming to me. And lo and behold, I get a fresh, free beer placed on the table before me. It's mine and mine alone. A new frontier. And when the bill comes, it's minus 1 beer. The free one. The one I drank for free.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Now Eddie's back with Norbit, in what's sure to be hilarious look at a spineless loser with a morbidly obese wife. Be on the lookout for Norbit 2, or perhaps a remake of The Absent-Minded Professor in which he invents a Flubber fatsuit.
(Photos copyright Paramount and Dreamworks Pictures.)
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
Phil: "Oh God. Somebody please help me! They're keeping me locked in this box all year long. They feed me gruel and poke me with sticks. I haven't seen my family in years!"
Guy in top hat: "It looks like Phil saw his shadow, folks."
Phil: "NO! Don't put me back in the box! NOT THE BOX!!!"