Thursday, December 28, 2006

Good Lord, Another Remake!

So Hollywood is preparing to churn out yet another film version of a mediocre television show that wasn't very good the first time around yet the public recalls through a rose-colored screen. Hawaii Five-0 takes its turn in 2007. Apart from the hula dancer and the electrifying theme music in the opening credits, Jack Lord's cresting-wave hair, and the "Book 'em, Danno!" catchphrase, little about the show was memorable (unless you're a connoisseur of drippingly cheesy dialogue). Like so many remakes before it, all of your favorite characters will be there, but the film will bear little resemblance to the original program. Hollywood banks on explosions, special effects, and the public's insatiable taste for nostalgia to compensate for its lack of fresh ideas.

Rather than regurgitate those same tired ideas, shake things up. Instead of the Five-0 representing the 50th state, I say let it denote the maximum height of the Honolulu Police Department. Sure, in real life, Jack Lord stood a lanky 6-foot-two (here he can be seen using his immense stature to push down a coconut palm),

but some of Hawaii Five-0's best episodes resulted from Lord uncharacteristically playing the underdog, such as below, in Episode 108, "The Case of the Giant Bathrobed Man."

James MacArthur ("Danno") was a 5'8 pipsqueak anyway, and the rest of the cast -- well, let's just say they never had to bend down to receive a lei. It's time to exploit that angle.

A Five-0-tall Steve McGarrett and his diminutive detectives chasing NBA-sized villains through a Hawaii set built to scale is not what the public expects -- and they'll eat it up.

Again and again.

(Photos copyright CBS.)


Dave said...

I'd like to see them do a Hawaii 5-0 film, but set in Canada. The whole movie is McGarret trying to get a flight to Honoulu.

Randy said...

Danno (in Honolulu): "Steve, I found something on Travelocity -- $128 one-way from Toronto. It's coach, there's a layover in Nome, and the in-flight movie is Meatballs 4, but you can be back in Honolulu in time for the poi festival."

McGarrett (in Toronto): "Book it, Danno."

(Cue dramatic theme music as Danno logs onto Travelocity Web site.)

Rich said...

How about Hawaii 5-0 but only on the leper colony? Hawaii 4-0...the other digit fell off...

Randy said...

It's somewhat baffling that Hawaii was admitted to the Union even though it included a leper island (Moloka'i)...especially when you consider that Congress refused Michigan's first application for statehood because a guy in the Upper Peninsula had pinkeye.

Pat said...

Is that Higgins with him at the bottom?! What the Fuck?!

Dave said...

"Is that Higgins with him at the bottom?! What the Fuck?!"

Wow Pat. You'd be awesome on the DVD commentary track.

Randy said...

Yeah, Higgins was an outstanding beach actor. His gripping guest performance on a beach in Hawaii Five-0 led to the full-time supporting role in Magnum P.I., likewise set near a Hawaiian beach to capitalize on Higgins' talents.

Incidentally, Higgins also had a small role as a Higgins boat, ferrying soldiers ashore in the unforgettable D-Day landing scene of Saving Private Ryan.

As Tom Selleck once marveled: "That guy was born to act in beach scenes."

Pat said...

Wasn't Lord really hot in that suit in such a tropical climate? Magnum really perfected the laid back detective look. It's kinda like saying "hey, I'm going to the beach. If the case gets solved, great. If not, well, let's go surfin"

Randy said...

Well, Magnum was a self-employed private eye and could dress how he pleased, but McGarrett, as a detective in the state police, had to adhere to a dress code. So he sweated constantly -- which criminals took as a sign of fear and panic...hence the ubiquitous crime on the island.

What McGarrett should have done was conduct his police work at night. Thus, he could rest inside during the day and come out after the sun had turtles do.

McGarrett had to be pretty clever to become a police detective. I'm surprised he never figured out what turtles already knew.