Saturday, December 30, 2006
2007: The Year of Self-improvement
As the New Year approaches, I really want to effect resolutions that will tangibly improve my life and make me a better person. And not run-of-the-mill promises that have become more cliché than call to action, such as "I will lose ten pounds" or "I will stop making obscene gestures at squirrels." No, I want this New Year to truly mark a turning point in my life.
Thus, my resolutions for 2007:
* Publicly, stop being so hypercritical of Alexander's strategic ineptitude at Austerlitz (privately, remain just as outspoken).
* Use more pepper.
* Sort that huge pile of coupons into those that have expired and those that haven't yet expired but are for products I don't use.
* Let it ride at the roulette table; use winnings to prevent Bachman-Turner Overdrive reunion.
* Learn the difference between a calendar and a colander (every time I try to rinse pasta, the paper turns to mush).
* Stop and smell the roses. (Note to self: Will the florist let me do this without purchasing them?)
* Teach myself pinochle, get involved in a weekly pinochle game, stop going after three weeks because they're a bunch of jackasses with no sense of wit, timing, or subtlety!
* Sit in on drums during open-mic night at a jazz club; finish comped martini before I'm thrown out.
* Send Mick Taylor a Hickory Farms gift basket for his superlative work on Sticky Fingers.
* Replace my contact lenses with a pair of monocles.
* Answer all phone calls in my Bullwinkle voice -- if the caller fails to respond in a Rocky J. Squirrel voice, the conversation wasn't meant to be.
* Stop in the shoulder and jot down any phone number and/or e-mail address in each highway billboard I pass -- those people are just trying to help.
* Get the first season of Hee Haw on DVD and fall in love all over again.
* Start conducting my daily life according to my horoscope instead of Chinese fortune cookies -- it's much cheaper and far less fattening.
* Strive for a life of unabashed opulence.
* Fill a footlocker with SpaghettiOs and move as far away from the Yellowstone supervolcano as I can.
* Finish my master's thesis on Shakespearean symbolism in "Othello," the board game.
* Don't take things so seriously.
If I can stick to these resolutions, 2007 is sure to be a very good year...
(Calendar image by Zhuo Meng.)