Tuesday, May 4, 2010

In Praise of the Tase

Last night, Steve Consalvi, a 17-year-old from Gilbertsville, Pennsylvania, ran onto the field as the Philadelphia Phillies hosted the St. Louis Cardinals. After evading the grounds crew, Consalvi was finally subdued when a security guard Tased him. Now that Tasers have been drawn at Citizens Bank Park, why stop at a 17-year-old punk who didn't get enough attention from Daddy? Start Tasing the fans who yell practically in your ear all game long. Tase those who knock you down to get a worthless foul ball. Tase those who don't sit in their assigned seat, and Tase those who use abusive language regardless of the presence of children.

But don't stop there. Equip movie ushers with Tasers so they can shoot-to-shock the boors who talk during a film. Tase those who don't use turn signals. Tase those who hold up traffic by taking their time crossing the street, and Tase those who leave empty bottles on the sidewalk even though a garbage can stands ten feet away.

Tase the jerk who plays his music loud late at night. And Tase the dope who pays for an 89-cent candy bar with a debit card. Tase those who don't park between the lines, and Tase those who take up two spots on the street. Tase those who text while driving, and Tase those who root for the New York Rangers.

Tase 'em all and let the judge sort 'em out.

(Photos copyright Associated Press.)

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