Friday, July 10, 2009

Home Despot?

So, I recently bought a home and entered the ranks of suburban, lawn-mowing life. The house had very few glaring problems, so I figured the amount of repair time initially would be minimal. Not so. Every project becomes an endless string of trips to Home Depot, sometimes several a day. One afternoon, I made three trips.

Now for some reason—I do not know if it is some subconscious brilliance or just hallucinations brought on by exhaustion—but every time I approach the building, I read the sign as Home Despot. Is this some philosophical statement being made by my subconscious to illustrate how my new home and this store are controlling my life? I never see Office Despot when I go to Office Depot...

1 comment:

Randy said...

Being a new home-owner is clearly a stressor in your life, and your subconscious is overwhelmed enough to be causing signage hallucinations. (I can empathize—some nasty sunburn-induced peeling on my proboscis once caused me to avoid Quiznos for a week. Settling for soggy, pre-made 7-11 turkey wraps served as unpalatable testimony of the subconscious's power.)

Because the subconscious can be a dangerous and stubborn enemy, I think you need to fight fire with fire. Inflict fear in Home Despot. The next time you need forty square feet of fire-coded drywall or some heavy two-bolt pipe clamps, walk into Home Despot dressed as Nero or Pinochet. Or perhaps Chairman Mao, if you can find a capable barber. Using the appropriate accent, start barking orders and threatening to lock up in your dungeons any member of the staff who doesn't drop everything and run to help you. As a general rule, bullies thrive on others' fear to overcompensate for their own lack of esteem, and when they're stood up to, they crack faster than Joan Rivers' skin. So get yourself an authentic costume, a tyrannical attitude, and some well-chosen slings of demagoguery and put those Home Despot clowns in their place.