Friday, March 16, 2007

One From the Archives

Before Mount Drinkmore entered cyberspace, we spun our own lengthy e-mail threads amongst ourselves. Owning a seven-year backlog of mindless idiocy, we've decided to occasionally dust off older samples of our craft.

This exchange from the summer of 2005 grew out of a CNN story on a comment made by actor Ben Jones ("Cooter" from The Dukes of Hazzard television series) upon the release of the film, in which Jones urged fans to avoid the new film because its sexual content did not make for the "family" entertainment provided by the television show.

DAVE: [Comment by Ben Jones]: "...but to take a classic family show and do that is like taking I Love Lucy and making her a crackhead or something."

Now THAT'S what I want to see.

Ricky: "Lucyyyyy! What are you lookeen for?"

"Lucy (on all fours): I think I dropped my rock! Waaaaa!"

RANDY: "...starring Lucille Speedball."

PAT: [Comment by Ben Jones]: "...make a mockery of the family-friendly show."

Uh, the TV show was based on guys who bootleg whiskey. Is that wholesome?

RANDY: Plus....the boys didn't have any discernible employment.......they continuously broke the law and drove recklessly......they probably fought constantly over who got the car on Saturday nights.........and you just know they cussed up a storm.

RICH: I still want to see the gang from What's Happening!! running guns in Mali.

RANDY: Dwayne: "Hey hey hey!”

Re-Gun: What's happening?!"

Rog: "It's a revolution, man!" We're gonna seize control of the capital and set up a de facto regime."

Dee: "I'm tellin' Mama!" (puts out her hand)

Rog: "Alright, here's 25 Communaut Financiaire Africaine francs."

Dee: "I want American currency............MAMA!"

Mrs. King: "Roger, are you planning a bloody coup? Give me your belt."

(Roger dejectedly hands her his belt and gets a whipping)

DAVE: Dwayne: "Where's Rerun?"

Rog: "He's supposed to be bringing over a crate of AKs. I hope he hasn't gotten into any trouble."

Dwayne: "Nah. Rerun? He can handle himself."

(cut to Rerun floating face down in a swamp)

RANDY: Must've been a fresh kill, 'cause Rerun ain't floating for long...

RICH: Then the Doobie Brothers show up to fight the warlords with music.

RANDY: I'd like to see the Doobie Brothers stranded in an actual Chinese grove and see how long they can survive with just their music to live on.

PAT: The intro can have Rerun chasing after the convoy, like how he chased after the pickup truck in the real show. Except this time, he's being fired upon.

RANDY: If they actually succeed in overthrowing the Malian government, then the What's Happening!! theme would become the new national anthem.

That'd be awesome whenever Mali won an Olympic event.

RICH: Rerun is captured by cannibals.

RANDY: "He taste like Fred Berry."

"No, he taste like blueberry."

RICH: Somehow, we have to work in a scene involving Dwayne, a car battery, and a kiddie pool.

RANDY: Sounds like a plotline for a cumbersome and ill-planned assassination attempt to me...

DAVE: Gab [Dave's wife] has never seen Star Wars, so we started watching Episode IV last night. At the scene in which the Jawas capture R2D2, she says, "Are those little guys Ewoks?"

Me (in my Comic Book Guy voice): "Of course they are...NOT!"

RANDY: So Gab had the one chance of anyone in the world to actually watch the entire double-trilogy in sequential order and yet she still started on Episode IV? Does she have a thing for Peter Cushing?

DAVE: I wanted to start her off right. Not with that crapfest cartoon, Episode I.

RANDY: By the way, how did Gab manage to avoid seeing all of the films? Did she spend the summers of 1977, 1980, 1983, 1999, 2002, and this summer on Tristan da Cunha, the most remote island on Earth? 'Cause I hear they're building a drive-in there, so if George Lucas ever makes the final trilogy, she'll have to go to the moon to avoid it.

RICH: Was Peter Cushing ever not old?

DAVE: Cushing at 4 years of age:

RANDY: His body still hadn't developed -- he was just a head.

PAT: I heard he hatched out of an egg.

RANDY: That's true, although it was actually a feta cheese omelette with a side of chips. He spent his first year at the Luton Luncheonette until someone claimed him.

RANDY: When Peter Cushing ordered that the Princess be "terminated," shouldn't he have done it himself with a stake through her heart? I mean, that's all he ever did in those 400 other films he made...

RICH: From out of nowhere, Frankenstein staggers up and tries to strangle him.

RANDY: I wish Peter Cushing had married Whoopie Goldberg. Then she'd be Whoopie Cushing.

DAVE: "From out of nowhere, Frankenstein staggers up and tries to strangle him."

I always thought that would've worked perfectly in The Remains of the Day.

RANDY: Then it could have won an Oscar for Best Fucked-up Visual Nonsequitur.

RICH: All the President's Men:

Ben Bradlee: "Who is your source? Where the hell is the story?"

Bernstein: "We ha...

(Frankenstein and Dracula come crashing through the wall, fighting with each other)

RANDY: Why even have Woodward and Bernstein at all? Just have Frankenstein and Dracula working as reporters for the Post, and they break the Watergate story.

The Invisible Man would be perfect as Deep Throat...


Pat said...

Isn't it ironic that Peter Cushing was so gaunt and angular when his last name suggested "Cushion"?? Huh? Huh?

Randy said...

Isn't it ironic that Peter Cushing never made it into that Alanis Morrissette song?

An old man who made vampire flicks
Destroyed Alderaan just for kicks
He's Van Helsing driving a stake through Nosferatu
He's Grand Moff Tarkin aiming to blow up Yavin too
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

It's like easing your pain on the Island of Terror
It's Sherlock Holmes making an error
It's ordering Leia's execution, then having to spare her
Who would've figures