So this morning, I again subjected myself to the perennial exercise in futility-- trying to get Philadelphia Eagles playoff tickets. At exactly 10:00 AM and zero seconds, I refreshed my browser on the Philadelphia Eagles 2006 NFC Playoffs page (see left image) and was taken to the updated ordering page. I quickly select "2 tickets" and am off! BUT upon further inspection, something was gravely wrong. I was purchasing tickets for Benjamin Bagby's Beowulf (below right) on Ticketmaster Canada. Okay, I had just inadvertently clicked on something I shouldn't have, right? So, back to the Philadelphia Eagles page. I click on "get tickets" and AGAIN I am taken to the Beowulf ticket area! Only thoust vile fiend Grendel could conjure such an act of evil and trickery.(Images from Ticketmaster.com.)
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Coincidentally, I recently bought a copy of Beowulf at my local Borders because I hadn't read it since high school and wanted to reacquaint myself with this epic tale. Days later, a friend happened to give me a bottle of Lurgashall English mead as a holiday gift.
Now I'm not saying that reading Beowulf while guzzling a tankard of fermented English honey in my own private mead hall is in any way connected with the local football team battling a bunch of Giants until Jeremiah Trotter tears off Eli Manning's arm and sends him back to his lair, Pat, but I am saying that you should purchase the tickets to Benjamin Bagby's Beowulf, attend the performance wearing an Eagles jersey and your face painted green, and scream out "E-A-G-L-E-S...EAGLES!!!" multiple times during the show.
After all, America's still in need of its own epic tale...
I don't know if I've ever seen a professional football player look more terrified than Eli Manning. He looks like he doesn't want to be there. I bet Peyton used to jump out from behind doorways, scaring him. He probably still does.
Wouldn't it be great if, after the snap, he just dropped the ball and ran the opposite way into the tunnel?
Eli Manning has no one but himself to blame. He could have let himself be drafted by the San Diego Chargers...made essentially the same money; played in a relaxed football atmosphere that would have given him time to grow into his potential instead of diving headlong into the New York pressure cooker; worn a helmet with cool lightning bolts on it rather than a dopey postal abbreviation; lived in sunny southern California and soaked up beach time after every practice; and played half the schedule against teams with pussycat pass rushes instead of getting pummeled for eight weeks by the beasts of the NFC East.
Eli should either try to force a trade to the Arizona Cardinals, where no one will care how he plays, or start wearing a fake moustache, go back to school for his master's degree, and try to re-enter the NFL draft as "Melvin Fung."
I love the Cardinals. Seriously, do the reporters even write about them out there? "The Cardinals have no shot yet again this year. Perhaps they will bring in another washed up Quarterback to train their failure Draft Pick QB".
Before the Cardinals moved to Arizona, they spent 28 years in St. Louis. Can you imagine nearly three decades of having to distinguish whether you were talking about the baseball Cardinals or the football Cardinals? It'd be enough to drive you insane.
"Hey, see the Cardinals last night?"
...blank stare...
"(annoyed sigh)...Football Cardinals...?"
[Repeat for 28 years.]
Sure, the football Cardinals were usually so poor that St. Louisans might assume the other person was talking about the baseball team, but 1982 was especially brutal, as both Cardinals franchises made the playoffs, and each became the talk of the town.
Antipsychotic-drug prescriptions in the metropolitan area skyrocketed.
The football Cardinals' move to Arizona was just as much for St. Louisans' mental health as for financial reasons.
True story:
Me and a colleague from STL were talking about the Rams back when they were kicking ass and he says something like "At least I don't have to be embarrassed by the Cardinals anymore".
Then I said, "Yeah, but hey, they got Scott Rolen. He'll be a nice addition".
Then we just sorta stared blankly at eachother for a few seconds and changed the subject.
I'll tell you what I like: Pittsburgh's Philosophy. Same colors for every team. Got a Pirates shirt? Wear it to a Steelers' game! Now that's more bang for your buck. Same goes for the Penguins.
Personally, I've gotta admire Cleveland's daring. They named their football franchise after their coach, Paul Brown. Then the Browns go and make their colors orange and white. Then they sign Jim Brown, and when he retires at the apex of his career to make movies, they replace him with Peter Noone, who had a #1 hit two years earlier with "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter."
What was management thinking? He was a 5'11 rail who had never touched a football in his life. Poor guy got crushed on the first play...
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