Monday, October 29, 2012

Ian Anderson, My Friend, Is Blowin' in the Wind...

Hurricane Sandy's wind is really beginning to howl through the trees right now...and I'm thinking that an accurate gauge of hurricane strength would be how the wind would affect Ian Anderson, were he standing outside, playing his flute in his trademark one-legged stance. For example, if he gets blown over, the wind is indeed of Category 1 force. In fact, I propose the following Ian Anderson–based grading system for hurricane-force winds:

Category 1: Ian Anderson, in one-legged, flute-playing stance, blown over but able to retain place once back on both legs.

Category 2: Ian Anderson blown over and rolled across parking lot.

Category 3: Ian Anderson either blown into an open dumpster or smashed against it with force enough for the thud to be heard at a distance of 100 yards.

Category 4: Wind powerful enough to shear Ian Anderson's long, wild, minstrel-in-the-gallery locks down to the businessman-like, salmon-farming buzzcut he has donned since the late 1990s.

Category 5: Ian Anderson taken airborne by wind and never seen again; flute also taken airborne, and force of wind coarsing through it causes the flute to play the intro to "Nothing Is Easy" while it, too, disappears from view.

Another excellent gauge of Sandy's power would have been to put Gary Sandy ("Andy Travis" of WKRP in Cincinnati fame) outside during the storm and observe if Sandy's wind had any adverse effect on his perfect, unmussable hair. Of course, this Gary Sandy–based measurement would only be pertinent for Hurricane Sandy.

Or a future Hurricane Gary.

The National Weather Service would do well to adopt these measurements...

(Photo of Gary Sandy copyright CBS.)

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