Good Lord, Another Remake!

So Hollywood is preparing to churn out yet another film version of a mediocre television show that wasn't very good the first time around yet the public recalls through a rose-colored screen. Hawaii Five-0 takes its turn in 2007. Apart from the hula dancer and the electrifying theme music in the opening credits, Jack Lord's cresting-wave hair, and the "Book 'em, Danno!" catchphrase, little about the show was memorable (unless you're a connoisseur of drippingly cheesy dialogue). Like so many remakes before it, all of your favorite characters will be there, but the film will bear little resemblance to the original program. Hollywood banks on explosions, special effects, and the public's insatiable taste for nostalgia to compensate for its lack of fresh ideas.

Rather than regurgitate those same tired ideas, shake things up. Instead of the Five-0 representing the 50th state, I say let it denote the maximum height of the Honolulu Police Department. Sure, in real life, Jack Lord stood a lanky 6-foot-two (here he can be seen using his immense stature to push down a coconut palm),



but some of Hawaii Five-0's best episodes resulted from Lord uncharacteristically playing the underdog, such as below, in Episode 108, "The Case of the Giant Bathrobed Man."



James MacArthur ("Danno") was a 5'8 pipsqueak anyway, and the rest of the cast -- well, let's just say they never had to bend down to receive a lei. It's time to exploit that angle.

A Five-0-tall Steve McGarrett and his diminutive detectives chasing NBA-sized villains through a Hawaii set built to scale is not what the public expects -- and they'll eat it up.

Again and again.

(Photos copyright CBS.)