I'm Dreaming of an Olive Christmas

For centuries, countless Western artists have portrayed Jesus as lilywhite, blue-eyed, and flaxen-haired, creating his likeness in their image rather than admit his true ethnicity. But genealogy, biology, and common sense tell us that Jesus, a Middle Eastern Semite, almost certainly possessed olive (or even darker) skin, as well as coarse, dark hair. Our institutional images of Jesus—cast into public consciousness centuries ago by Europeans who could not, or would not, accept so foreign a savior—amount to ethnocentric self-deception.

Yet today, many Americans and Europeans still can't bear the idea of Jesus as anything but the classically wholesome, fair-skinned, Nordic type. Witness the blatant denial of Jesus’ desert heritage in this current ad for a S’mores nativity scene. Could Jesus be any whiter?

When will someone offer a historically accurate S’mores nativity scene using roasted marshmallows that properly reflect Jesus’ true ethnicity?

(Photo of S'mores nativity scene copyright Santa’s Depot.)

You Are Now In The United States of Pottersville

Last week on Christmas Eve, Melissa and I were watching It's a Wonderful Life, and I began to get this strangely familiar feeling whenever a scene with Mr. Potter would come up. Like I had seen him earlier that day, or had been seeing him quite often for a long period of time. Then it hit me: Mr. Potter is Dick Cheney. Could Lionel Barrymore still be alive and maniacally playing out the worst fears we had of Mr. Potter taking over the Building & Loan...and then THE WORLD? I think the photographic evidence is more than enough to make the case:

Best Christmas Movie of All Time

For my money, the best Christmas movie of all time is 1984's Gremlins. The Gremlins, you see, are a metaphor for American greed and irresponsibility, which is even more prevalent than usual during the Christmas season. The old, wise dude from the Far East warned the hack country singer/actor Hoyt Axton of all the many horrible dangers, yet Axton proceeds anyway with his reckless consumerism.

All he has to do is three simple things, like not get his Gremlin wet, not put him near light, and not feed him after midnight. Simple, right? Except for the fact that the majority of the planet is water, water falls from the sky A LOT, we are the third closest planet to a huge light source called the sun, and isn't it technically ALWAYS after midnight? Seriously, when can you feed them?

Perhaps the best part, however, is after the complete silliness of the Gremlins storming the town, some dressed in drag, some dressed as flashers, Phoebe Cates takes a couple of minutes for a dramatic monologue about her father dressing like Santa Claus, getting stuck in the chimney, and rotting there dead for months. Merry Christmas, everybody

(Photo copyright Warner Bros., 1984.)

It's A Wonderful Life (Alternate Ending)

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One of my favorite SNL skits ever—Mr. Potter finally gets his.

George Bailey (Dana Carvey): "Why....you're not even a cripple!"

(Photo copyright NBC, 1986.)